Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize