I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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