Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
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he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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