Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
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Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
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It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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