Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What drink are we having for lunch?
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So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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