Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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