I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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