Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize