apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
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"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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