hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The uberlube is also flammable
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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