the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize