I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
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Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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