Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
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I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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