My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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