You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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