...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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