remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
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Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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