Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
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I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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