you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
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and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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