You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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