It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
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Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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