Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
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I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
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I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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