so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
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I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
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Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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