Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
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I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
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I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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