I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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