And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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