What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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