i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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