I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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