The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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