So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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