The maid of honor just puked.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
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I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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