He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
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I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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