Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
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She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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