hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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