FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
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So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize