She is in my trunk
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
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i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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