it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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