6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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