At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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