So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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