I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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