the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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