so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
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Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
And then he peed in my hair
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