So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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