How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
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Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
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I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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