Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize