I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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