Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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