seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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